A lot of people complain about modern remakes of horror movies, but nobody offers a solution! Well. If you are thinking about remaking a classic horror movie, please consider making one of these instead:
1. Dig Yourself Out: Following an earthquake, a young woman who lives alone in LA is crushed under the huge stacks of self-help books she buys and never reads. We watch the whole movie through the camcorder that fell off her shelf and turned itself on. She can't reach her cellphone, or laptop, or move, so she begins to actually read the books, eventually bettering both herself and her understanding of a person's place in this world before getting attacked and killed by an ancient Mummy that was sealed in one of the walls until the quake.
2. Endgame: A young boy is a chess prodigy, and his parents are very involved with his career, pushing him to be a big chess star. But just because you are good at something doesn't mean you love it. He puts on a brave face and tries to make his parents happy, all the while sneaking off to murder neighbours. He uses his strategic mind to orchestrate elaborate and grisly death traps. But in the end he's going to have to stand up to his parents… in beautiful and deadly mother Russia!
3. Murder She Wrote: A woman of 20 is writing a biography of Angela Lansbury, but in her research she keeps finding hints that Angela herself has been murdering people. She doesn't really believe the clues, until she mentions it offhand to her girlfriend and she turns up dead. Now the heat - and the chase! - is on as she tries to escape the murderous Lansbury while trying to convince others that this is actually taking place!
ReplyDelete2. Stroke of Murder: A worker in a keyboard factory becomes embittered when his health insurance refuses to cover his carpal tunnel treatments. He plants explosives that are set off by the stroke of a single key in several keyboards. The detective in the case quickly realizes that letter by letter the killer is spelling out a message, later to be revealed as 'fuck blue shield!'. He's able to protect the final victim right as she's about to type the final exclamation point in a tweet that is instead sent with OMG1.
ReplyDelete5. Closing Time: Employees of a Costco-style chain store can't stand working late, so any customers rude enough to be there after-hours are locked in and killed. But on one fateful night, an off-duty police officer, an exterminator, and a women's self-defense instructor are trapped in the store, but decide they haven't made their final purchases yet (this is a shopping pun that riffs on the fact that they might die). One memorable scene includes a rude fat guy carrying a gallon can of nacho cheese and several bags of chips while running from a forklift, the tines of which have been sharpened into blades. Another scene includes a lady pushing a stroller toward the exit right as the time clicks over to closing. One of the employees starts closing the metal gate and you totally think the lady and the baby are going down, but she says "have a good night" and the guy smiles and says "you too" and totally holds the door open for her (it's not a baby-killing kind of movie).
ReplyDelete6. Grave Miscalculation: Johnny Franklin just can't shake the feeling that his best friend Greg might be a robot. You see, Greg was bitten by a robot when the two were exploring an old cave in the dead of night over Halloween weekend, and ever since then, Greg seems to be more cube-shaped and full of wires and blinking lights and made-out-of-metal than he used to be. After researching robots on the internet, Johnny begins to fear that Greg might sneak up on him at night to turn him into a robot as well, so he puts a metal detector by the door as an alarm when he sleeps, lessening the chances of a surprise attack. The rest of the movie is just an hour-long montage of Johnny sleeping, and at the end it shows Greg doing some complex equations in another country somewhere. He's a robot. He doesn't care about Johnny. Also he can lift really heavy things now.
ReplyDelete7. Irony is Dead. A rising indie musician becomes mentally unhinged when Pitchfork.com gives his new EP a negative review. He goes on a murderous (and flannel-clad) rampage, exacting his revenge on each critic, one-by-one. His weapon of choice? "Ironically" using a pitchfork to stab the reviewers through the heart. (One scene features a would-be victim escaping the musician by distracting him with a debate on whether the pitchfork-as-weapon is, indeed, ironic or merely coincidental.)
ReplyDelete8. I Hate You: One dude hates another dude and thus is passive aggressive at the office. Unfounded rumors, unforwarded memos and catty post-its ensue. THEN a vicious paper cut and the one dude just watches the other dude bleed out. Upshot of the one dude’s expressionless face. Fade to black.
ReplyDeleteCoffee Shop Barista Revenge: a young girl working at a store brand starbucks decides to poison daily customers who annoy her slowly. things get tricky when a coworker overdoses during sex romp in the store room on the "special" chocolate bottle she kept hidden in the back. filmed in black and white.
ReplyDeleteSchrödpocalypse: A subatomic particle at a nuclear power plant may or may not have caused a meltdown, and everyone within the probable blast radius becomes both dead and alive, and wanders the land infecting others with uncertainty radiation until someone finally thinks to go to the power plant and measure whether the meltdown really happened, instantly rendering all the zombies either dead or alive.
ReplyDelete