Saturday, July 28, 2012

5 horror movies to pick for movie night if you are an asshole.

1. Sorority Row (2010) First off, I should say that I actually kind of love this movie. It is terrible in a really fun "logic doesn't matter" sort of way, and has some ghoulish kills. What it does not have, however, is respect for any of the female characters. So, here's what you do. Tell your friends that you are going to be bringing a movie called "Sorority House Massacre or something." Be sure to say, "It was written by lesbian feminist writer Rita Mae Brown, and is directed by a woman, too!" Talk about how you think it'll be an interesting deconstruction of the misogyny of slasher films. Then, on horror movie night? Put this fucker on.

2. Teeth (2008) But what do you do if sexist sorority house boob-fests are what your friends normally want to watch on movie night? If that's the case, you might opt instead to bring the movie Teeth. It has an innocuous enough title for a movie about a girl with Vagina Dentata. Make up some lie about what the movie is about, and then just sit back and enjoy their reactions as character after character gets his penis torn off and eaten by a vagina.

3. Dreamcatcher (2003) Are your friends the sort of people who "don't watch Hollywood movies" and instead only watch capital f Films? Then perhaps they will enjoy Dreamcatcher, which you will describe as an independent film examining the co-opting of Native American culture. The actual film is about a group of pals who talk with insane made up slang, share a common bond because they once rescued a mentally disabled kid, and are soon attacked by flesh eating ass weasels from space.

4. He Who Gets Slapped (1924) Is your movie night group filled with people who love gore and try to one up one another with the grossest movie ever? Are they the sort of horror fan who, when asked why they love horror, reply, "BLOOD!" Do they roll their eyes if a movie is in black and white? Boy are they going to love this movie. He Who Gets Slapped is a silent movie, and my favourite Lon Chaney movie. Put all hopes of killer clowns out of your head, though, because Chaney does not play Pennywise the clown, here. There are no fangs and no monster eyes. He plays a man who has his dreams taken from him, who is humiliated and broken and driven mad. It is a strange, heartbreakingly sad movie. His clown character allows him to relive the worst moments of his life over and over in front of a laughing and jeering audience, night after night, until finally his chance for revenge comes. 

5. Killer Klowns From Outer Space (1988) That said, if you have a friend that genuinely suffers from Coulrophobia (the fear of clowns!) then holy shit have I got a movie for you. Everything about this movie is amazing. The creators take the premise "clown aliens attack earth" and they take it much farther than you expect. Not only do they aliens look like horrifying clowns (the makeup in this movie is really great) but their spaceship is a big-top tent. They ride around in a tiny clown car. They kill people with pies to the face, wrap them up in cotton candy and drink their blood through giant loopy crazy-straws. There are funhouse mirrors! There is killer popcorn! If you are gonna traumatize your coulrophobic pal, then you might as well do it right! 


  1. I should mention that I own and love all of these movies.

  2. Teeth had me cringing even though I knew what it was about ahead of time. It was also weirdly hilarious with it's super obvious NUCLEAR MUTATION subtext.

    Netflix keeps recommending that we watch Killer Klowns ever since my wife watched The Blob a few weeks ago. I may actually take them up on the recommendation now that you've written about it here.

  3. Dreamcatcher in novel form was also horrible. I almost thought Stephen King did a James Patterson & had other people write it for him, but then I realized that it's more like when the Bill Keane lets 'Billy' draw that week's installment of Family Circus.

  4. Ahh! I love Killer Klowns SO MUCH. I am incredibly happy that you included it here.

  5. Sorority Row looks nice enough, director Hendler fails to create much tension or many scares but it's reasonably well made with a certain slickness about it. The kills are alright, my favourite was when the girl gets her whiskey bottle rammed down her throat. The rest of the kills all involve a rather awkward look tyre iron with blades on each side, it's a silly murder weapon actually. There's a fair amount of nudity here if that's your thing. Originally set to be PG the distributors decided to go with an R rating, not that it's that graphic anyway but the extra bit of blood & gore does help.
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