Sunday, February 13, 2011

Valentine's Day gift ideas you probably won't find at Hallmark.

The Holiday Gift guide you were hoping never to see?




1. Heart Shaped Box by Joe Hill. A cheerful, festive title! Happy Valentine's Day! Tell them that you bought the book on eBay and that it comes with a ghost! How come nobody ever gave me a vengeful ghost for Valentine's Day?



2. Let the Right One In. A vampire film that is really a love story between a boy and a girl who is "not really a girl." Romantic! Also it is a secret test to see if they realize how oh my god depressing the happy ending is.

3. The End of Alice by A. M. Holmes. The first story I ever read by A. M. Holmes was about a boy who was secretly dating his sister's Barbie doll. The story had weird overtones of the sister abusing Barbie, and it ended with the boy using Ken as a sex toy. Now imagine that writer writing a book about murderous pedophiles. This is the perfect gift.

4. Little tales of Misogyny by Patricia Highsmith. Patricia Highsmith is one of my absolute favourite writers, and this book is not why. It is almost entirely hateful, to women in particular but also just to everyone. If Valentine's day is rolling around, and you haven't been able to break things off, give them this book and tell them it really speaks to you.



5. If, on the other hand, Valentine's day is rolling around and you are starting to think they might be the one, you could get them Highsmith's far superior The Animal Lover's Book of Beastly Murder. A book of animals killing the people who mistreat them. It is just as nasty as the Misogyny book, but this is the kind of nasty anyone can get behind. And true love loves to hate together.

18 comments:

  1. Happy Valentines Joey

    http://gammasquad.uproxx.com/2011/02/happy-valentines-from-gammasquad#page/6

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  2. Huge hearts for the Animal Lover's Book of Beastly Murder! Glorious choice for a horror lover.

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  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  4. Joey,

    There is a film on my Netflix queue titled "Frozen." It's about 3 snowboarder friends who become stranded on a lift several hundred feet up in the air at night. I don't know how fixed it is in the "horror" genre but it sounds like it might be either oddly fascinating or terrifically boring. I haven't watched it yet, but I intend to. I feel that you should watch it as well.

    ~Meg

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  5. Hmm, so much to read. I'm going to buy four out of five of these for myself. Just 'cause I like to tell myself how much I love me and horror somedays...

    On a serious note though, Joey: 'Let the Right One In,' did you read the book? Because if you haven't, you should. It's horrible and lovely in all the right places.

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  6. I saw Frozen recently. It is a little slow, but when one of the 3 jumps off of the lift and breaks his leg the wolves eat him alive. The other 2 cant help and have to listen to them tear him apart. Very uncomfortable scene. Not a bad movie over all, just could have been a 30 minute short.

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  7. Heart Shaped Box was amazing. Plus Joe Hill is a nice guy, ended up in my backyard one day when he got lost hiking with his kids. Very humble, doesn't like being recognized. His writing is definitely different from his dad's but still very good and very creepy.

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  8. I read "The End of Alice" yesterday. It made me think a little of "Lolita" and a little of the first time I read Jean Genet, but overall the experience was unique. There aren't enough female pedophiles in fiction. Thanks a lot for the tip, Joey, I think you've just introduced me to a new favorite author.

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  9. Make sure you watch "Let the Right One In" with the theatrical English dub (if you don't speak Swedish of course). The dub done specially for the video release is just not as good.

    And yeah, the "not really a girl" scene profoundly disturbed me for days.

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  10. I tried to watch Let the Right One In on Netflix. The black bars cut off the subtitles. I was sad. :(

    But Frozen was pretty good. It kind of has a similar premise to Open Water(people are tapt in a little area waiting for someone to rescue them), but they built the characters up so well that you actually cared about them. I didnt get that with Open Water.
    Also, the death were a little gory and painful to watch, but not in a bad way.

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  11. I've used that Let the Right One In test a few times now.

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  12. You know, with Let The Right One In, I was never quite sure at the end whether the ending was sad and touching and sad...or whether the "girl" was deliberately manipulating the boy into this position through the entire movie. Friendship, or cold, calculated use of a person as a thing? Presumably her old protector started much the same way, after all.

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  14. Heart shaped box is really best to wish your valentine...on the special occasion.
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